Current Mood:  Destroyed

This is primarily directed at Jujo, so if you aren't Jujo, please don't read this.  Or if you do and you have some good advice then you can leave a comment if that so pleases you.  It is also very pessimistic so if you're in a bad mood, don't read this.  I don't want to be responsible for your bad mood.

I know I haven't posted on xanga in like...6 months, so those of you who were really hoping to hear something exciting and worth listening to from me, I apologize deeply and hope you can forgive me.  This is the only way I know to get in contact with Jujo because she hardly ever gets online, and when she does, I know she reads xangas and LiveJournal, and since the subject of the following entry is a regular reader of my LiveJournal and not of my xanga (if ever).  I'm posting it here to prevent emotional harm to the both of us.  So here goes.

I did it Jujo.  I did it and I crashed and fricking burned.  I'm beginning to wonder if your advice ever works.  Okay, I didn't mean that, I'm just hurt and upset and trying to find someone to blame other than myself, even when I know I'm the only one at blame.

There are those of us who always wonder "What if...?" then there are those of us who wonder "What if I hadn't...?"  I am of the latter category.  I can list several scenarios where I would give anything to go back and undo them.  This is one of them.  I did it Jujo, I told her and she just said, "It would be odd."  Which is better than her getting upset and hating me.  "It would be odd." So there you have it.  Kura wasn't odd.  But I am.  Kura who can't even understand her personality was worthy but I am not.  Can I help feeling worthless?  No.  Can I take it all back and forget this hurt?  No.  Will I get over it?  Eventually.  But right now I just want to hurt.  I want to scream and cry and throw a tantrum and ask her why I'm not worthy.  Why I mean something but not enough.  I want to be selfish.  I want to scream at her right now.  I just want to tear into her because she KNOWS how hard it is for me to open up and tell people things.  There's my lack of logic showing up.  What could she have said that would make it better?  Nothing.  Does that change the fact that I just want to scream at her to keep myself from crying?  No.  Will she ever hear any of this?  No.  Because I'm not really selfish when it comes to her and I know that if she knows I'm upset, she'll be upset and I don't want to make her upset.  So I'll throw a tantrum to myself, and scream and cry by myself, and lock myself back away alone.

Hope is for FOOLS!  Why yes I am being pessimistic.  And you can just shut the hell up about things getting better and moving on and all of that bullshit.  I DON'T CARE!  I just want to escape from it all.  I want to GET AWAY.  I want to get rid of this tearing ache.  And you know what that means?  It means that I'm going to end up doing that thing that I shouldn't do again.  And I don't really care.  I would be perfectly fine just melting away into nothingness right now.  That sounds morbid, but don't take me seriously, I'm too much of a wuss.  Besides, it would make her upset since we're best friends.  And I can't make her upset.  Even if I feel like dying...as long as she's all right.  Why yes I am being spiteful and bitter and I would like nothing more than to be able to tell her this and make her see.  Is that logical in any way?  Of course not.  Which proves I'm not insane, because I'm not going to try and convince her.

And I don't want to go to school tomorrow and face her.  I don't.  I just want to curl up and lay in bed all day.  I don't give a flying rat's ass if I fail AP Government.  I don't care.  I just want to be ALONE for a day.  This had to happen on a Sunday night, of course.  So I couldn't stay in bed for the rest of the weekend and wishing I was dead.  No.  I have to go to school tomorrow and look at her and smile and act like NOTHING happened.  Like I never said any of the things I said.  Which is what I wanted after all, isn't it?  I wanted to still be her best friend, even if she didn't feel the same way.  I'm not even done with my AP Government homework.  Or any of my homework for that matter.  I just want to stay home tomorrow.  I don't want to face anyone.  I just want to lay down and cry and not worry about tomorrow.  I just want to...I don't even know.  I wish I could undo it all just so I could go on to tomorrow without feeling like I'm dying.  I'm not going to make it through tomorrow because I'm too freaking sensetive.

I want to talk to Stacey more than anything right now because even though she probably wouldn't care about my current situation (not that I would tell her either), she's just easy to talk to and she draws your attention to the task at hand.  And it wouldn't matter that I feel like I'm dying.  All that would matter would be the next bird to medicate or whether the large pool needed bleaching or whether we had enough capelin for fish prep.  Stacey's like a big sister that I never had.  She looks out for me and is an adult who actually cares about me.  Not like my parents who just want me to go to college and get the heck out of their hair, or my extended family who just wants to know that I'm a good Christian and that I'm doing everything my parents want and obeying their every wish, or even my teachers, who want nothing but academic success.  They don't care about my state of mental/emotional health.  Stacey actually listened when I talked to her and she gave good advice.  Even if it was college advice, she wasn't all "Well keep your grades up so you can get into a good school and get all of those crazy author notions out of your head" she was the person who said, "Make sure that you do what you want to do and make sure you are comfortable with what you're doing.  And by the way, tell me about this book of yours."

If more of the adults that I came into contact with were like Stacey, I wouldn't be half as messed up as I am.  My family and their conditional love, my teachers and their "Oh smart kid, do things to make us look good."  All of the people in the Birds department really.  They're like my second family.  More of my family than all of the crazy Greeks and the straight-laced Catholics.  It's an easy family, and a fun family.  Everyone is respected and cared for.  We look out for each other.  There's no "He-said, she-said.  Mommy!  Jackie did this and that."  Chris and Stacey listen to my ranting, and Chris rants about something else while Stacey listens and shakes her head while she smiles because that's what we do, we rant.  And Jon is just crazy and he makes us all laugh.  Lee brings out the kid in all of us, and we cuddle with the birds and sing crazy old songs.  Crystal's the boss so she's not as thick in the family as we are, but she's still an integral part of it.  She teases us and we tease her, but it's not quite as easy as joking with each other.  We all look to her for the serious big-deal advice, so she means the most in a sense.

I love that family.  Not more than my blood family, but just as much.  My blood relatives are just that, my blood.  If it came between choosing my sister and my Aquarium family, I would choose my sister, but perhaps that isn't a good example because Steph might be joining the Aquarium family soon.  If I had to choose between my mother and the Aquarium, I would choose my mother, because I truly love my mother, it's just, she sometimes treats me like her whole reputation as a parent is riding on my being a successful college graduate who is a straight-laced Greek Orthodox Christian.  At the Aquarium, as long as I'm doing something useful or even if I'm standing around waiting for something to do and listening someone unload something that's been bothering them while I wait, I matter.  I mean something.  I'm important.  They know they can count on me to help them out of a tight spot, and I know I can count on them.  The only downside is that I only get to visit my other family once a week.  And even then, not everyone is present.  I don't ever see Stacey or Crystal anymore, although Stacey might start coming in on Saturday mornings.

I just want the summer back.  I want my family back.  I want to go there twice a week and stay all day and catch Lefty and make Lee grab him because I'm too much of a baby to let him bite me.  And do the afternoon feeding and watch Pink and Green take smelt right from my hand.  I want to play feather volleyball with a molted feather for a half an hour while we were waiting for something to do.  I want to make a joke about the slop bucket and have four other people laughing with me because they understand what I mean.

Instead I get this.  This pain and this ache and this blood family that pretends to care.  This rejection that I can't even acknowledge because I don't want to hurt my rejector.  I don't know what to do or who I am anymore.  The only place I feel right and whole and real is in the Aquarium.

Will I wake tomorrow, from this nightmare?

I went swimming yesterday in the pouring rain.  It was awesome!  It was so fun.  I felt like laughing and singing all at the same time.  It was somuch fun!  Although, I was alone, and it probably would have been more fun if some of my friends were over and we could joke around, but it was peaceful.  I just kind of floated around feeling the rain fall on me.  And then I could hear the rain when I went under water.  It was just so much fun.  The most fun I've had in a while.  Talk to y'all later.

~OhioStateRulz